Terrified or just plain old Trite

CHINESE PROVERB - Be not afraid of going slowly - only of standing still

I move through my life fine, until I see a movie like 500 Days of Summer, where I am equally moved by it, and thrilled with its depth – while it manages to be light. I am then a bit depressed that I have no productive outlet to create something that resonates with people like that particular piece of art I have just experienced.
Whether it’s a book, a story or some kind of performance – I want to develop things. I want to be responsible and debate plot lines, and characters. I want the thrill you get from creation on your own terms. And I get in a funk after experiencing something that connects with me, because I don’t put myself in a situation to use my imagination.

I have been running from it (my imagination) my entire life. I did make up for a high school music production, because I was too chicken to try out to act. I took photography in high school and applied to a college to major in it, but chickened out – went to a different school and majored in Journalism. I did Second City, but didn’t graduate – I walk towards my goals, and then veer off at the last minute.
Terrified, of success or failure – I don’t know.

For me, moving to Austin and being unemployed is like a living with a big open wound. It keeps getting irritated by the talent around me, and I know it needs treatment, but I don’t seek help. I have access and time for treatment, but I distract myself with other things. I have the time to explore careers, and I have. I have all kinds of plans, and laid out to-do grids and maps on my walls – but I resist acting on them. I moved to a creative place to be creative, and now I let my mind wrestle with why I don’t have a 9-5 job.

God help me. That is the end of my whine. My struggling artist persona has more to do with considering myself an artist than struggling with money. I know only I stand in the way of that. My inability to act on my dreams, while I have this free time and savings tightens my chest and gnaws at my nerves.

Its like a 40-something couple’s biological clock as they keep trying to get pregnant for the first time. It’s not in the forefront of your mind, because you would explode if you put all your hopes and dreams in the forefront of our mind, fulltime. It hangs in the back, leaning on a corner of your mind, smoking and slouching. My fear of my hopes and dreams is male, with dark, greasy hair and wears a white T shirt and black vest. He is waiting for the steps I take each day to call him to action. He hangs there waiting on me. I can feel the pressure. The more I can do, the better his chances for activity, but he knows I am scared, and just bought a new carton of cigarettes.

The Martha Beck book, Finding your North Star, says to accomplish your big goals in little steps, and that has been helpful. Much like the Chinese Proverb I listed at the top (which I have now hung in my rented room as a reminder). Today I will be drafting my letters to radio stations I would like to work, detailing why they should hire me.

It is not all gloom and doom here, and I know I am a hard working, creative, original thinking, opinionated and intelligent woman. I just need to open up to careers I care about, and lose the safety net of administrative or sales jobs unless it can further my creative goals. That is why I am focusing on radio stations today. Wouldn’t it be great to hear my opinions on the air? Talking about P!nk performance from the Grammys, who should’ve gotten kicked off Idol or what this Healthcare bill really means.

Go rent 500 Days of Summer, or my one of my other favorite movies Broadcast News, Funny Girl or TV shows like Nurse Jackie, Six Feet Under, early Law and Order (the Sam Waterson years –but before the blonde ADA) and 30 Rock. All so clever.
There are books too – as I love books. I will save those recommendations for later.